As a kid I learned of Jesus and thought of him as my best friend but I found cruelty in the church so I left it and mourned my friend Jesus. My heart cold to the word Christian I turned to wiccan but I missed my friend and I would occasionally sketch him laughing and smiling like I remembered him. My leaving the church in my heart was in 1992 and in 2013 I need community and I was feeling out of place with my current friends and with my cancer and medical crap. A friend who was nerdy and geeky (like me) attended Ascension church so I decided to attend one Sunday. The people I met were really fun and nerdy and that made me feel good and not out of place. I noticed I would have lengthy conversation without snarky or disdain for the question I would pose. This was different and there was a desire for understanding and I felt kindness and intelligence in the hearts of the people I met. I found myself feeling happy being at church. I also found myself crying during sermons and listening to the word having the understanding sinking in. The feeling of being a kid and Jesus as my best friend was coming back and I was crying because I missed him. I missed talking with him about all the dumb things in my life that were causing me pain. I missed sharing with him how wonderful the mornings were with the light slowly hugging the earth. Ascension Presbyterian helped me find my best friend again and the only thing that really mattered.
I take medication to keep myself from falling apart emotionally and just stay on task for what needs to get done for the day. When I run out it’s a bit scary but I handle it well enough on the first day and I am still pretty good on the second day. By the 3rd and 4th day I am feeling manic and all of my mental faculties are fighting me for attention and focus. The 5th day is awful because then I realize I have been a jerk to everyone just trying to stay focused and on task to just get to my desk at work let alone help customers out all day long. The weekend hit and for some reason my doctors office had not authorized a refi of my medication and I just felt defeated.
What I take is part of a group of medications called SSRI and you can look them up on many sites or visit the library for volumes of text on these drugs.
Selective serotonin re-uptake inhibitors or serotonin-specific reuptake inhibitor are a class of compounds typically used as antidepressants in the treatment of depression, anxiety disorders, and some personality disorders.
I take 200 mg of the one called Sertraline but the brand name is Zoloft and it works really well at keeping me focused and while I am not especially happy I am able to get up each day and function. The misconception that they are happy pills is widespread and just stupid because pills will not and cannot make you happy.. you can do that yourself. But the SSRI’s job is to manage your body’s serotonin chemical that gets off balance when we have really stressful lives. I have cancer and I am also very creative and I have never managed to get a job that allowed that part of me to be expressed. So my serotonin levels have over many years gotten to where I need the medication so that I can continue to function.
It is raining today and I am loving it but I am having trouble getting to all of the normal things I would like to get accomplished. Laundry and cleaning being on my Sunday to do list and I already missed church because I wasn’t able to focus long enough to get out the door. What I want to accomplish in writing this article is to share my personal relationship with the medication that keeps me functional.
I have not been keeping up with my writing here but I have been working on a collection of short stories from childhood and also my odd history with two cancers.
Thank you all so very much for reading and have an amazing day. Please also wish me luck in getting my medication crap take care of.
Okay so after discussing with my new cat we decided we did not like the name that was given to her or rather it just didn’t feel like her name. Mostly my fish Flippant was being a jerk and said it was a dumb name but what can you expect he is a fish and between you and me I think he is jealous.
So after much conversation and walks we decided she had Moxie and therefor that would be her name.
My delightful new partner in crime is named Moxie!
I have to say that years ago when I was first diagnosed with Cancer I adopted two cats a brother and sister from the humane society. They were there in my life for one thing as therapy animals and I needed all of the comfort I could while going through my treatments. I would often say, “The cuteness of kittens cures cancer!” Buttons and Bows helped me through the most difficult time of my life but because they were senior kitties they passed a few years ago and I have been without since. I knew I needed the comfort a cat in my life and while I do love dogs as well cats have always brought me more comfort with less effort. On Saturday I drove around to 3 places looking for a cat that I connected with and then I found her. She now sleeps at the foot of my bed and snuggles with my hand when I am reading and we are going great together.
I still say “the cuteness of kittens cures cancer!”
Okay there are many facts and opinions in this video and they cross over many times but the conversation is a good. The big problem I face is how to budget my health with 2 cancers that while they are in remission are still part of my life.
I am obese not because I don’t like healthy food or can’t cook. It started in highschool stressed and terrified of dealing with the outside world that I shut myself up in my room and ate comfort food. That continued until it was my normal and I was a very active person up until highschool started for me. The bullying took so much out of me that I just had a hard time enjoying learning. This developed a trend in my life of going out in the world to work or school then coming home and eating comfort food. I became obese and it was preventable but I lacked the knowledge to ask for help and to know what the problem was. The cost to solve that now is medical procedures and my cancers were not caused by my obesity they were caused by my body breaking down due to the lack of support I had to take care of myself. My ‘self’ was crying for help and I did not know how to solve it before it became a problem because our idea with health care did not know how to handle the fact that I was Unhappy. I spent years unhappy and when you are unhappy you fill your body up with advertized happy solution that are not focused on health but increasing money in someone elses pocket. Our quick solutions are not healthy but they could be if we were taught and could make them a desire, trend, and social benefit.
Sigh I guess this is what I am saying I don’t like being sick all the time and I want supportive health care.
Hey everyone I have been updating all of the pages of my blog but I wanted to share this page. I would like feedback on what else I can put here. Also thanks so much for reading.
In 8 days I will be going into surgery to repair the meniscal tear to my left knee that plagues me with pain. I have recently gotten a cane to help me with walking and my friend from church is letting me use a walker to help me move around. Things will be difficult for about a week while I heal but I have faith in my friends and in myself to manage my healing for a week. I must say I am excited to get this done because it means that I will be able to walk around more without the need of a cane as much.
My hope is that I can start walking again in 5Ks next year! But mostly I hope that I can enjoy taking a walk in the park again.
I have been going dark a bit lately and that is so sad because I like candle light. I use that term because of the kids song “this little light of mine”. Last week was mostly me sorting through paperwork but I am still not done. The common thought is that paperwork is difficult and they are all right and it seems like a reasonable notion that it is easy but crunching through research and making phone calls is a painful slog.
I spent time trying to get focus, sleeping, and putting the work into getting stress from putting me into an early grave…. I have to confess I have had some really dark thoughts and I just really had a bad first week of disability. It may have only been bad because of the house I was staying was just full of stress besides my own woes. This week however I took some time away from the house where I am living to get some clear thoughts flowing again. When I came back the manic panic feeling of the house had reduced in size and I was able to breath. Yesterday and today I was able to hang out with friends, get phone calls made and relax a bit. I wish I had a better article to write for everyone because I miss writing about space, crazy garden projects, or building a small tiny home. Those articles are still to come and I am hoping that everyone will enjoy these update articles too.
Here is a “selfy” I took today while I hung out with the free wifi at Safeway/Starbucks to let everyone know I haven’t forgotten to smile and that I am still alive.
I have taken a huge step to heal myself and I am not yet sure about what will happen to my world. Last Friday was my last day of work for a while and it maybe the last time I work for a long time. I feel odd not going to work today infact I am watching my clock and would normally start work in 20 mins.
My plans for the first week are to review my current possessions and donate them or sell them via CraigsList. I am am also doing all of my paperwork this week so that I don’t have any delays.
The next week will be finding a new place to live because my current place is too expensive for being on disability. I am excited and scare about this so that will be fun and difficult working through.
Walking into a new life is a challenge that is met in surprising ways and I am hoping that it will be good surprises.
Years ago I started fighting and I haven’t stopped but I have finally come to the conclusion that I am wearing myself out faster than I am making headway. This is my first post in a while and I have really missed writing. So many nerdy and geeky things I have thought of blogging about but I have been bogged down in the mire of pain.
This week I made the choice to stop working on putting myself in an early grave and to start lifting myself out of the fog of war. In the next few weeks I will be leaving my work and start disability leave. My world has been filled with too much pain to ignore and my body has finally convinced me that I should focus on me.
First step is to conquer the paperwork monsters and luckily I love origami and spreadsheets so I think I will be good.
Second step will be to find a place to live that is not going to exacerbate my arthritis and that may take more work than the paperwork of disability.
Yes there will be more steps but I am working thing slowly to do them without over stressing myself. I hope that the spirit can move within me and see me through the end of my journey.
I happen to be one of those wonderful fat people in America and it’s not easy but it is there and it cannot be hidden.
Having a weight that makes you think about the effect you have on the world you interact with creates a very different view point. I look at clothing differently along with cooking, cleaning, bathing, walking, biking, relaxing, and my friends.
I react to everything physically in a very cautious way and the same is true of others when they see me. Seating space is a problems often and I will grab floor space to not take up so much room. The problem with that is it hurts my body to be on the floor but I emotionally don’t like asking folks to get up for me to be not in pain. People don’t want to make me feel bad because of my weight but making it a impolite topic to create incorrect ideas about a person. There have been many studies showing that people just react badly to a fat person and we treat them with less kindness than a drunk sometimes.
My cancers Melanoma and Thyroid have made it difficult as well to manage my weight and I get many pity looks. Honestly I like the pity sometimes because the emotional weight of all of the cancer, arthritis, and baggage of not being the hero for others is a heavy load.
It is difficult for me to exercise because I have osteoarthritis and it has caused me to stop participating in the 5K walks I enjoy so much. I love to cook delightful meals that are fantastic and healthy but I lack the strength and stamina to prepare anything. For that matter just going shopping for food is difficult with the pain in my knees and back.
Sharing this with my readers makes me feel awkward because I want to do more and better for myself with regard to my weight. I am preparing my heart to be strong enough to get better and not allow size of the problem to out wit me.