Lost at sea

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I have been feeling sick and lacking energy lately and everything I want to write seems like depressing but then I realized while I am working hard on a new project I am depressed.  Depression is controlling and it is sneaky because I am so protective of my image of being able to do everything it is hard for people to see a way to help if they want.  

A few things that I am sad about I feel I should just get out there and outside of me so that people can give me feedback.  I often hate feedback because I know that just means I will have some sort of work to do and while I am not afraid of hard work things are already difficult so I fear the feedback at times. 

I am sad that everyone in my family that I could turn to for a place to live has said no they won’t take me in. This is something I knew before I asked that I would be turned down but I am filled with fear often that I don’t have a place that is stable in my life that I can turn to for support. The place where I am at has a lovely garden that has inspired me to become a gardener and start my seed bank project but it is far away from help. It’s also a bit more that I can manage even if it is just a studio but with all of my medical crap I feel overwhelmed.  I fear asking for help and when I have told my family their response is “oh but you are doing so well you don’t need any help.”  I do need help and always expect to be turned down when I ask for it.  My church family has been amazing and they have been great but I still feel ashamed and terrified that I ask too much.  

What I would ask for if I could get out of the way of myself is laundry, cooking, cleaning, editing my writing, hugs, conversations, money balancing, building bookshelves, random projects that need a drill or a electric screwdriver, and I am sure there is more.  I have a hard time with the laundry and while nobody like chores but I don’t have a washer/dryer that is in my place and that makes it hard.  I get tired and depressed and that just seems like too much at times and I would love to just call up a friend like once or twice a week and say hey can you bring me a meal and I will return the favor.  I love cooking and I am a good cook and baker but being in the kitchen at times is overwhelming and that has been happening more and more over the years. Overwhelming to the point where I often eat my meals from fast food and that is depressing on so many levels.  The response I get when I tell people this is shock and disappointment like I have failed them personally and that I am just a bad person for this failing.  That is why I don’t tell people I don’t like feeling like a bad person when I already I know that I don’t want the fast food diet but the kitchen needs to be cleaned, because I wasn’t feeling well the last time I cooked and it was too much for me to finish cleaning up 2 weeks ago and I haven’t been able to touch it since. That sucks the money out of my pocket and I feel worse and the 2 weeks of depression that kept me from cleaning up the kitchen turns into another 2 weeks. The kitchen is not horrible, there is no food rotting but the counters need to be wiped down and the dishes like my few forks and spoons need cleaning and the pan that has been mostly cleaned for a week or more just hasn’t had the sponge taken to it and then rinced.  The rubber scraper, bowls, plates are all rinsed off but not cleaned.  And while it would only take me 20 mins to clean up it is difficult in my world to find the energy to accomplish. 

These are not the problems of most people but after 2 different cancers, several surgeries, arthritis, pre diabetes, anemia, obesity, vitamin D deficient, constant pain, the fact that I have major depression isn’t surprising. Most people have great helpful things to say but they are mostly things that I would love to do but have a hard time getting there.  I mostly feel unsafe about the future and insecure about my living situation. My mother helped me so much with money last year but this year I was really depressed and I fell behind in my payments for my Honda and it was repossessed for a few days until I got things fixed she said she felt like she should have never sent me money. She was disappointed in me and felt I needed help but I had told her that I was depressed and falling behind in things and I wanted help.  My trust that I have any help grew smaller that day and made me feel like I cannot turn to her if my medical bills and health declines to where I can’t solve things on my own again. She is a good person but she just cannot help me because she can’t understand my need for help but she has always done what she thought was best.  I have always done what I have thought was best too but it’s hard on my own.  

I do want a place of my own where I feel safe, comfortable, and most important manageable. My place currently is okay but I am not able to manage it well even though it’s not much to most eyes. My overwhelming fear of having no place safe and secure to turn to fills me up to the point where I just can’t seem to get anything done.  I am currently looking for a solution in the form of an RV that nobody can take away from me and that I can make it my space of security. I don’t know if that is the solution but it feels closer than anything else in front of me currently. 

This post is a long but is the truth of my depression, feelings and health currently.  I hope everyone is well and good and feels safe today. 

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