Awaken by and by


Hey everyone so I have been out for the count for many reason but mostly my honest answer is that my depression sucked me into a black hole.  I left my body limp and unable to move for almost a year now and my heart was rendered unable of knowing love.  Water poured from my eyes as I faced the terror of losing all hope for moving forward.  I’ve moved too many times than I care to think about just trying to find stability.  My dreams have been filled worry and sorry but in the past month I have found something bring me back.

Creativity has been snuggling up to me at night and stoking the fires of mind.  There are some that see Art as useless but art saves lives and brings us the future our reason for living.  I’m working on my writing again and so you will get to see more of my works.  There is a campaign that I’ve started to start raising some money to pay off the medical bills from my cancers so that I can be released back to writing more.  Please spread the word and help with raising money to defeat the medical bill collectors.

Thank you again for all of your love and support my friends.


Golden light of the sun setting & the new dawn


I am sitting here at the end of the year watching my cat play with pompoms she got for Christmas and thinking about the things I have going on.  Last year I wasn’t sure where I was going to be because I was living in an apartment once again.  Sure the garden was amazing and the setting of my place was good but I felt like it was all just eroding under my feet.  Now I am living in a trailer that isn’t that warm nor functional but it is mine and I’ve already made vast improvements.  I must say I really like the smaller space for me I won’t lie and say it’s neat and tidy but as I re organize  the place just keeps getting more efficient.

My location where I am it great and it’s a big project but I love it and so does Moxie and that is what matters most.  We are having a winter storm this week bring the temp down below 30 and possibly below 20 so  a chill to be sure.  One of the big projects I have to deal with is removing the rest of the trees from the lot so that I can re-position the trailer so that it is not in the way of the best spot for the garden. Then prepare the ground where the trailer will sit then move the thing.  It’s all needs to happen and while it is winter and not fun to work outside it is the best time to do it to have a real impact on how next year rolls out.

Anyway I am still working on the Garden with Moxie project and I’ll keep you posted.  Have a beautiful week everyone.

In conclusion my friends


I haven’t posted since Sept this year because I have been in a really unstable space.  Things are settling down but I suspect I will be managing some of the big changes for a while.

I’ve moved into a travel trailer as of Oct and I left Forest Grove, or for the Beaverton hustle and bustle.   I got a minimum wage job in Willsonville, or doing call center work but it is difficult to know if I can manage expenses even if I have minimized much of the cost of living.   Trailer living is difficult and I had to throw away hundreds of dollars of my possession because I was having trouble finding help.  What I have now is really basic but even as find myself with less that I have ever had before I still can see stuff I don’t need.  I am designing/ re building the trailer I have to something that is more functional and more fun.

I am in a space where I can garden and have chickens and a bee hive but that will take some work but it’s nice that I will have more control to be able to do these things.  I have been asked why did I take such a risk and the answer is that I was more at risk when I was throwing all my money into places that I wasn’t supported and did not own.  I own my house and I am doing all of my own work and my kitty is welcome and I can paint the walls and re do the kitchen I can have control.  I can have chickens to cluck and peck in the yard and honey bees plus all gardening space I can manage for now.

Things are not easy but they are working out and I could use help and I am learning to ask for it.



I hate being sick and needing to get stuff done. Thankfully I have a few friends that can help me out.

SO yes I am moving into an RV and I am fearful of moving into an RV but I am ready to take the plunge.  This will be another learning experience for me but honestly if it wasn’t for me having cancer and the financial woes I wouldn’t be making this move. At least not this soon the actual plan was to build a tiny home and plop it onto some land with some cohorts building crazy fun stuff.  This is a bandaid on a difficult problem but it will be a project and my brain needs projects.  I want to be close to the trailer that I am transforming into a Mobile Seed bank so that I keep that project front and center.

I haven’t been working on this blog that much because of all the stuff going on with the Garden with Moxie project and I am sorry for that.  I am working really hard and I am hoping to have the energy to keep up with my writing and my projects.  Please send me good thoughts because I am sick and it is really bogging me down right now and I could use the cheers from you fine people.

The ocean awaits


I think I’ve decided what I would like for my remains when I am done with this crazy life stuff.  I was looking up some cool Science stuff today because I was well not doing anything better and found a story about new stuff you can do when you are dead.   You can become mushroom food or be launched into space but I think I like the Memorial Reef idea I found.  Basicly they take your ashes and put that into a concreat mix to build a coral reef structure with a plaque stating your info. Anyway if I ever die and have no idea what to do with the body assuming you haven’t killed me and are needing to destroy the evidence.. (I’ll be watching for your assassins) I think this would be a good option for me. 

Anyway have a fun day everyone and don’t die it’s not as cool as it is in the movies or books. 

Lost at sea


I have been feeling sick and lacking energy lately and everything I want to write seems like depressing but then I realized while I am working hard on a new project I am depressed.  Depression is controlling and it is sneaky because I am so protective of my image of being able to do everything it is hard for people to see a way to help if they want.  

A few things that I am sad about I feel I should just get out there and outside of me so that people can give me feedback.  I often hate feedback because I know that just means I will have some sort of work to do and while I am not afraid of hard work things are already difficult so I fear the feedback at times. 

I am sad that everyone in my family that I could turn to for a place to live has said no they won’t take me in. This is something I knew before I asked that I would be turned down but I am filled with fear often that I don’t have a place that is stable in my life that I can turn to for support. The place where I am at has a lovely garden that has inspired me to become a gardener and start my seed bank project but it is far away from help. It’s also a bit more that I can manage even if it is just a studio but with all of my medical crap I feel overwhelmed.  I fear asking for help and when I have told my family their response is “oh but you are doing so well you don’t need any help.”  I do need help and always expect to be turned down when I ask for it.  My church family has been amazing and they have been great but I still feel ashamed and terrified that I ask too much.  

What I would ask for if I could get out of the way of myself is laundry, cooking, cleaning, editing my writing, hugs, conversations, money balancing, building bookshelves, random projects that need a drill or a electric screwdriver, and I am sure there is more.  I have a hard time with the laundry and while nobody like chores but I don’t have a washer/dryer that is in my place and that makes it hard.  I get tired and depressed and that just seems like too much at times and I would love to just call up a friend like once or twice a week and say hey can you bring me a meal and I will return the favor.  I love cooking and I am a good cook and baker but being in the kitchen at times is overwhelming and that has been happening more and more over the years. Overwhelming to the point where I often eat my meals from fast food and that is depressing on so many levels.  The response I get when I tell people this is shock and disappointment like I have failed them personally and that I am just a bad person for this failing.  That is why I don’t tell people I don’t like feeling like a bad person when I already I know that I don’t want the fast food diet but the kitchen needs to be cleaned, because I wasn’t feeling well the last time I cooked and it was too much for me to finish cleaning up 2 weeks ago and I haven’t been able to touch it since. That sucks the money out of my pocket and I feel worse and the 2 weeks of depression that kept me from cleaning up the kitchen turns into another 2 weeks. The kitchen is not horrible, there is no food rotting but the counters need to be wiped down and the dishes like my few forks and spoons need cleaning and the pan that has been mostly cleaned for a week or more just hasn’t had the sponge taken to it and then rinced.  The rubber scraper, bowls, plates are all rinsed off but not cleaned.  And while it would only take me 20 mins to clean up it is difficult in my world to find the energy to accomplish. 

These are not the problems of most people but after 2 different cancers, several surgeries, arthritis, pre diabetes, anemia, obesity, vitamin D deficient, constant pain, the fact that I have major depression isn’t surprising. Most people have great helpful things to say but they are mostly things that I would love to do but have a hard time getting there.  I mostly feel unsafe about the future and insecure about my living situation. My mother helped me so much with money last year but this year I was really depressed and I fell behind in my payments for my Honda and it was repossessed for a few days until I got things fixed she said she felt like she should have never sent me money. She was disappointed in me and felt I needed help but I had told her that I was depressed and falling behind in things and I wanted help.  My trust that I have any help grew smaller that day and made me feel like I cannot turn to her if my medical bills and health declines to where I can’t solve things on my own again. She is a good person but she just cannot help me because she can’t understand my need for help but she has always done what she thought was best.  I have always done what I have thought was best too but it’s hard on my own.  

I do want a place of my own where I feel safe, comfortable, and most important manageable. My place currently is okay but I am not able to manage it well even though it’s not much to most eyes. My overwhelming fear of having no place safe and secure to turn to fills me up to the point where I just can’t seem to get anything done.  I am currently looking for a solution in the form of an RV that nobody can take away from me and that I can make it my space of security. I don’t know if that is the solution but it feels closer than anything else in front of me currently. 

This post is a long but is the truth of my depression, feelings and health currently.  I hope everyone is well and good and feels safe today. 

Coffee is a beautiful thing


Quick story about the coffee pot that decided to break and in turn broke my heart because there was not coffee.  I thought maybe it was the caffeine but after trying to calm my pained mind I got a few energy drinks but it just wasn’t the same.  It led me to keep making coffee runs while I was out and I normally don’t do that and so I walked into the store in pursuit of a new pot. My search high and low of the place left me wondering if they just don’t want me to have a new pot but a whole new machine. 

I begin pondering about just getting a new machine but realized that was just dumb because I had a perfectly good machine I just needed the pot.  But as my search was ending without any results of a new pot I kept thinking of a new machine but my eyes found a french press.  This idea of getting a french press had it’s appeal because I could have pot that could handle tea and coffee and I only ever drink 2 cups of anything.  Then I realized that I could save myself a step in my morning breakfast of oatmeal but boiling water for the coffee and breakfast at the same time.  Brilliant and finally I put the french press in my basket and went to the check out.  

This morning I am having my cup of coffee and oatmeal and I have to say I feel so good about my choice.  The coffee is different and not in a bad way but I do want to now start getting some better coffee because the flavor seems to be more of a factor with the french press.  So I am happy that I broke my coffee pot and had to search for a new option. 

I hope everyone has a beautiful day and that it is filled with something that gets you going in a positive direction. 

Updates with the garden


Learning, testing, and wisdom happened this week


I have been desperately working on my Garden with Moxie project to build a mobile seed bank and garden center.  A few weeks back I ordered and then installed a hitch receiver and a wiring harness for my CR-V and that was a fun thing to work on and get done.  I did this because I needed to be able to get more things done and moved around.  When I was searching on craigslist I found a trailer with a camper attached to it for a good price so last Sunday I was able to pick it up.  I was only able to tow it to my friends house because my CR-V just wasn’t that strong and I needed new tires.  I ended up renting a U-haul truck and then I proceeded to spend the night moving the trailer to a friends house in Beaverton.  I learned that I am a badass with a trailer and that all of my instincts are spot on for moving a ton or more down the road. 

All that  moving around of the trailer cost me a day of sleep so Wednesday was a wash but I recovered well.  Then Thursday I had to help a friend deal with a awkward roommate tenant that was smoking in their house.  Then Friday I went out to Vancouver and hung out with a friend whom I haven’t seen in 5 years.  All and all this past week has just taken more than I expected of me and I delivered. 

Epsom Salt is for the win


Epsom salt is comprised of hydrated magnesium sulfate, a naturally occurring mineral first found in the well waters of Epsom, England. Epsom salt has a variety of home remedy applications – the two most widely known being as a saline laxative and pain reliever. What many people don’t realize is that Epsom salt also has several uses in organic gardening.


1. Improve Seed Germination

Using Epsom salt as a soil amendment before seeding will give your garden a powerful boost right from the start. Magnesium aids in seed germination and helps to strengthen cell walls, leading to more and stronger seedlings. For best results, incorporate 1 cup of salt per 100 square feet of tilled soil or mix 1 – 2 tablespoons into the soil at the bottom of each hole before dropping in seeds.

2. Increase Nutrient Absorption

Many commercial fertilizers add magnesium to help plant roots take up vital nutrients (nitrogen, phosphorus, sulfur.) For those using all organic materials to feed their gardens, adding Epsom salt to soil will improve absorption naturally, eliminating the need for processed chemical fertilizers.

3. Counter Transplant Shock

We’ve all seen how our plants and seedlings wilt when we move them from a small pot to a larger one, from indoors to outside, or from greenhouse to ground. Try feeding transplants with Epsom salt once they’re in their new environment to help injured roots overcome transplant shock. Remember to add a layer of soil on top of salt sprinkled in holes so roots don’t come into direct contact with these concentrated minerals right away.

4. Green Up Foliage

Plants that aren’t getting enough magnesium can be identified by their yellowing leaves. This is because magnesium is an essential component in the production of chlorophyll. Try sprinkling Epsom salt around your plants to achieve healthier foliage. About 1 tablespoon per 12 inches of height once a month will benefit the plants in your vegetable garden, as well as any trees, shrubs, flowers and grasses you want to green up.


5. Prevent Leaf Curling

Prevent Leaf Curling with Epsom SaltLeaf curling may also be caused by magnesium-deficiency in plants. Again, add Epsom salt to the soil around the base of the sick plant. Alternately, for faster absorption you can mix 2 tablespoons of Epsom salt in a gallon of water and apply directly to the leaves.

6. Deter Garden Pests

While Epsom salt won’t dehydrate slugs and snails like table salt (sodium chloride), it can still be used to deter pests. Hydrated magnesium sulfate crystals are sharp and when sprinkled around plants, they can scratch and irritate the bodies and feet of unwanted critters in much the same way as diatomaceous earth. (Keep in mind that Epsom salt dissolves very easily in water, thus any amount of rain will likely wash them away.)

7. Grow Sweeter Fruit

The production of fruiting bodies is the most taxing process in the life cycle of a plant. Apply Epsom salt to fruit and nut trees, bushes, and vines using the same methods and quantities stated above to boost chlorophyll levels inside the plant cells. Increased energy means more sugar, allowing the plant to produce higher yields of sweeter, healthier fruit.

8. Tastier Tomatoes

Grow Tastier Tomatoes with Epsom SaltTomato vines are one of a handful of common garden residents whose fruit to plant size ratio is heavier than average, leading to an even higher likelihood of magnesium-deficiency. For this reason, tomatoes should be fed Epsom salt twice as often as other plants. Also, because tomato vines are prone to calcium-deficiency (blossom end rot), the majority of tomato fertilizers contain calcium which will compete with magnesium for root absorption. Therefore, foliar feeding is the more efficient method for delivering magnesium to these plants. Water tomato vines with dissolved Epsom salt – 2 tablespoons per gallon of water, every 2 weeks.

9. More Plentiful Peppers

Peppers are another popular garden plant with a higher-than average fruit to plant size ratio. As such, they should also be fed magnesium every two weeks to achieve higher yields of larger fruits. For hot peppers, over-watering can lead to fruit with less heat, thus the soil amendment method may be preferable in this case. Sprinkle 1 tablespoon of Epsom salt for every foot of height around the drip line of your pepper plants once per week.

10. Beautiful, Bountiful Roses

Get Beautiful Roses with Epsom SaltEver wonder why your neighbors’ rose bushes are fuller than yours and sport so many more blossoms? It is highly likely that the answer is Epsom salt. Not only does it help roses to produce larger blossoms in greater numbers, many successful rosarians will agree that magnesium also aids in the growth of new canes from the base of the plant. And of course, Epsom salt increases chlorophyll production meaning darker leaves. For maximum benefit, roses should at the least be fed with Epsom salt at time of planting, then again at the first sign of new growth, and once more when the flowers are in full bloom. Bare root roses may also be soaked in water containing dissolved Epsom salt before planting.

It is almost impossible to use too much Epsom salt in your garden. Magnesium sulfate is pH neutral, so it won’t harm your soil. The crystals break down into water, magnesium, and sulfur – three components which are beneficial in some way to most plants. Epsom salt is safe, easy to apply, and works fast to correct a variety of problems and increase the overall health of your garden. As if that weren’t enough, Epsom salt is also inexpensive making it one of the most perfect tools for the health-conscious, responsible gardener.

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